Awareness ~

Awareness 

April 7th, 2009, will always be the day the world stopped. I needed no social media notification, news story, or emergency alert to tell me this soul-collapsing truth. We were there with you, lying beside you, and felt your spirit leave your earthly body. Just like that, a final breath on planet Earth before you crossed over. I felt every move of that and was hyper-aware of the snow falling outside of our hospital room, the warmth surrounding us, and the sound of Brahms’ lullaby playing in the background. Awareness—acute and total awareness— as we dressed you and lay with you until it was time for us to carry you home.

We walked out of the hospital as parking garages were closed for your sacred walk from the room to our car. I held you in my arms, and our friend drove us to the funeral home, where we brought you inside and sat with you while the light shone down on your dark, shiny hair and beautiful, perfect face. I tuned out the traffic and noises outside of these spaces that day, but I was intensely aware of certain things that connected both worlds: the snow, the sunlight warming the room, the nurse who brought the three of us warm blankets, the butterfly card from another bereaved mom that had fallen from the dash to my seat where I sat holding my girl, the sorrow of our family and friends that day when they found out you passed. I will never forget the look on Jason’s face when we left the hospital with our daughter lying on her sheepskin, looking like an Angel. He was and I was forever changed with a new sense of awareness that ripped our souls apart at the core and shattered our hearts.

This awareness was a new sense of knowing that has never left me. There was an anesthetic effect from the shock of grief in the early years which made it challenging to listen to this knowing, as I was not ready to accept that this was my new state of being. I am a bereaved parent, and I say that now with both ache and sacred grace. I remember a counselor once telling me they felt very sad that Jay and I refer to ourselves as not only parents but bereaved parents. He said that was a sad reference that he hoped we would one day reframe. I said to him, I hope we never reframe this, as what you grieve most, you love deeply.

No one ever wants to be in the club that we belong to, but only those in this never-talked-about club can understand. For many years, I tuned out things that I could not give energy to. Certain events and big group gatherings felt like a direct threat to the broken shards of myself that I could not seem to hold together. I had to journey on a new, unknown path to healing, where I had no map, compass, or light to guide me. Grief is inherently lonely as no two people grieve at the same time in the same way. I was governed by my gut, instincts, and what has now become, 16 years later, a knowing. This deep knowing is you and I feel you with me every day. I find dimes, butterflies, meet good people and hear songs that feel like you are saying an enthusiastic “hi mom” or “take a breath and slow down mom just chill" just when I need it most. When I am searching for the right thing to do there you are nudging me along in the right direction.

You are my superpower, my knowing, and my bridge between this world and the other—the one where you are always in that warm light that feels like a huge hug on a peaceful Spring day. I am intensely aware of the moments that I know will be in my mind and heart on replay forever.

When Isla rested her head on my shoulder for a brief moment before stepping out of the car as she went into the barn last week, after we had a great talk on the way to her lesson. That warmed my heart and stopped me in my tracks. Even after a long day at work, I wasn’t letting that moment miss me. When Callum asked about what I am bringing to decorate your spot at Glen Oaks today and he smiled and admired the solar Angel that I picked out. When I walked out of work this week after a Spring snowfall that resulted in icy roads and your dad was waiting for me to make sure I got home safely. When I see a person reflect on how they have treated someone and do better next time. When I visit my family or friends, any stress of the day begins to melt away and is replaced by laughter and a much needed hug! These are the moments that I am very aware of as these are the times when I feel you with me most. Life is short, be aware and breathe, reset and carry forward doing the best you can and always remember no one is perfect. This is what I am sure you are saying to me.

Thank you for grounding me in a world where the moments that truly matter can sometimes feel elusive. With so much noise from social media and the constant swirl of distractions, it’s easy to overlook the quiet gifts of awareness, mindfulness, and trusting our instincts. Thank you for reminding me to slow down when I get caught up in the rush of work and life, and for teaching me that the real treasures lie in being present for what truly matters. Emersyn, it has been 16 years since you left this world physically, but my sense of your spiritual presence only deepens as I continue my journey of healing. What we grieve, we love, and while I will always be a bereaved Mom, above all, I will always be your Mom. I remain profoundly aware and proud of your light, and my heart is filled with awe for the love you continue to send.

Missing and loving you always with a deep knowing that I will hug you again one day and oh what a feeling that will be.

Love,

Mom xoxoxoxo

Sweet 16 on September 16th ~ Emersyn

Dear Emersyn,

Recently you told me through a very wise and spiritual woman that I don't need to go anywhere or do anything special to talk to you. You told me that I can talk to you anytime and I don't have to wait for a special moment or event to find you. You said that when I am driving in the car you are always sitting right beside me. I burst into tears when I heard this and I said "is this a burden for you always having to ride with me" and you said no Mom I am honoured. Well that just about sums you up right there doesn't it? Maybe that is why in the early years after you passed away I drove everywhere with no destination in mind, just the need to move and search for any sign or symbol of your spirit. It was an anxious journey then and now it feels heavy, sacred, sorrowful, purposeful and with a sense of knowing that you are with me.

When I am talking to you I feel like I am asking you for something which as a parent feels so backwards. I ask you for strength, guidance, perspective or to look out for your brother and sister, Granny and Grandpa and all of the family and friends that love you so much. I am deeply sorry for not talking to you more. I think instead of talking I have been connecting with you in the career I do as a school leader, Mother, friend, daughter, wife, sister and woman that I am at 47 years old. Talking hurts as it emphasizes the silence of grief, the love fountain overflowing with nothing optically to catch it. When I channel this tidal wave of raw emotion through action it helps me carry this sea of love that continues to pour over all these years later. My passion for Human Rights and true inclusion is welled from my love for you that swells around in my chest and needs a place to go and something or someone to impact in your honour. You are my fuel otherwise I would drown in my own sea of love for you if I had nowhere to navigate it on this earth. I can tell when special people recognize you in the work or in the passion that I share at times. Not everyone can see this but that is what makes those who do stand out like a beacon of light in a storm to me. I know you know these beautiful souls Emersyn because it is the same people that make me feel closer to you when I am with them. As a lifelong learner of all things I need you to know that I hear you. I need to pause and breathe and that is also talking to you. I will talk to you through slowness and breath and more writing. I promise I will do this more as you told me it is ok to rest sometimes Mom! As always you are teaching me to evolve and grow and I will never stop searching for stones to learn from you.

I am humbled at how time has suddenly given me a 13 and almost 11 year old and I stop and my breath is taken away today that you would have been 16 years old. The oldest out of my three children my first daughter Emersyn was born perfectly on September 16th 2008 at 2:00pm. Sweet 16 they say but for you I change that to strong, sassy, sincere and spectacular 16 because sweet was never a priority for any of my girls but strong with a fierce heart who advocates for what matters most absolutely. I want to share this with you out loud on your blog as you used this sign and symbol as an analogy for what I think best describes our Mother Daughter bond and mission between heaven and earth. This is for you Emersyn the magnificent, brave, leader, disruptor and lifter of others on your 16th birthday.

"The majestic angel winged horse came and swept you away to a place that existed beyond the veil

So quickly he came I could not see his face but you climbed on his back and took the reigns to fly worlds away towards the heavens

You returned in short fleeting moments each time soaring faster, stronger, determined a true heroine on a mission lifting others up leaving gems of hope in your wake

It was in these moments of finding you we learned that you did not need saving you needed us to rise to fly and soar to make a giant dent of love and change in this beautiful world on the other side of Pegasus"

Love Mom

P.S. I am far more honoured to be driving beside you 💜

~ Happy 16th Birthday Emersyn Paige Klomp you are always deeply loved xoxoxoxo